Just when the world thought the lives of Prince Andrew and his ex-wife, Sarah, Duchess of York (Fergie), couldn’t get any stranger, a fresh scandal has erupted that makes previous events look like a polite afternoon tea.
This morning, security personnel at Royal Lodge, the sprawling Windsor estate the pair still share, alerted authorities to a suspicious amount of late-night activity. What investigators found has allegedly driven King Charles III into a silent, apoplectic rage.
The Discovery: A Tunnel and the Tinned Goods Heist
The initial concern was a possible security breach. However, a full sweep of the property led investigators not to a threat, but to a vast, unauthorized excavation beneath the property’s West Wing.
The shock discovery: a newly constructed, highly sophisticated, secret tunnel that didn’t lead out, but connected directly to the underground storage facility of a nearby, major supermarket chain.
And the tunnel’s purpose? To smuggle goods, specifically 500 jars of premium, artisanal pickled onions and gherkins.
“It was an absolute scene,” reported Chief Inspector Davies. “The tunnel was lit by fairy lights, and there were tiny velvet ropes sectioning off the different pickle varieties. Prince Andrew was reportedly found near the entrance, attempting to camouflage himself behind a pallet of Branston Pickle.”
Fergie’s Confession: A Craving Too Strong
The Duchess of York, confronted by a flurry of flashbulbs, reportedly admitted full responsibility with characteristic Fergie flamboyance.
“It was a moment of weakness!” she tearfully confessed to reporters outside the gates, while clutching a small, half-eaten jar of gherkins. “We were hosting a very last-minute, black-tie charity raffle for the ‘Save the Squirrels’ fund, and we ran out of canapés. I suddenly had this overwhelming craving for a really satisfying, crunchy pickle platter.”
She explained that she and Andrew had recently watched a documentary on “Ingenious Royal Engineering” and felt inspired.
“It seemed easier than driving down the road! Andrew is surprisingly good with a shovel after midnight, and the tunnel, honestly, was mostly just a weekend DIY project. We only intended to grab a dozen jars, but you know how it is when you hit the bulk section.”
The Palace Reaction: Utter Disbelief
Sources within Buckingham Palace confirm that the King is absolutely beside himself.
“The issue isn’t the pickles; it’s the sheer audacity,” one aide whispered. “They dug a high-tech tunnel under a Grade-I listed royal residence, not for espionage, but for a late-night snack run. It’s an embarrassment to the structural integrity of the entire Monarchy.”
The cost of sealing the tunnel and reimbursing the supermarket for the “borrowed” goods is estimated to be eye-watering, but the damage to the Royal Family’s reputation for ‘sensible’ behavior is considered irreparable.
As for Prince Andrew, he is reportedly confined to the East Wing of Royal Lodge, presumably to ponder the strategic error of not sealing the tunnel entrance with a high-quality jar of mango chutney.