The world stopped for a collective gasp this morning. King William V, age 43 and reigning sovereign for a mere eighteen months, did something no one—not the royal experts, not the tabloids, and certainly not the palace communications team—ever expected.

He spoke. And not just about climate change or the Commonwealth Games; he spoke about his mother, Diana, Princess of Wales, and the day the world lost its sparkle.

In an impromptu, unscheduled, and frankly, unprecedented address streamed live from the gardens of Balmoral, the King finally, finally, broke the almost 30-year silence surrounding her tragic passing.

The Revelation: It Was the Wobbly Tooth!

The setup was dramatic. A tweed jacket, a contemplative stare out across the misty Highlands, and the King began: “For decades, the press has speculated. People have cried into their tea. Books have been written. But the truth… the truth is far simpler, and perhaps, far more tragic in its mundanity.”

He paused, a single, regal tear tracing a path down his cheek. Then came the bombshell admission, the moment the world’s conspiracy theories collapsed into a puddle of disbelief and realization.

“What we all suspected, deep down, was true,” he whispered, his voice cracking with three decades of held-in emotion. “I suspected that if she had survived, the single biggest tragedy is that she would have made me wear those awful, itchy, matching pastel jumpers for all our family Christmas cards every single year until I was at least 30.”

A stunned silence followed. The camera zoomed in on a stray corgi.

The Real Trauma: Fashion Faux Pas

The King continued, now wiping his eyes with a crisp, linen handkerchief embroidered with a tiny crown. “It’s not the conspiracy theories about the tunnel. It’s not the endless documentaries. The true trauma was the knitwear. The patterns. The clashing colours. The sheer, relentless tackiness of 90s royal casual wear. It haunted my dreams.”

He recounted a specific, harrowing memory from 1995. “There was a mustard yellow number. A terrible, textured atrocity with shoulder pads that reached my ears. I knew, even as a teenager, that my future was at stake. That my dignity was hanging by a thread woven of acrylic and bad taste.”

The King admitted that for years, he had lived in fear that his mother, with her famous, mischievous sense of humour, would suddenly reappear and insist on a family photo shoot involving matching velour tracksuits and coordinating Crocs.

Harry’s Role in the Cover-Up

In a moment of classic royal brotherly rivalry, King William threw a playful jab across the pond.

“My brother, of course, was in on it. He loved the jumpers. The more embarrassing the better. He kept telling Mum, ‘You look so cool, mummy!’ He was the saboteur of my wardrobe.” The King chuckled, the sound frail but genuine. “I think that’s why he now lives on a coast where he can wear beach sandals and cargo shorts without fear of intervention. He is a victim, too, in his own way.”

A New Royal Policy: Knitwear Amnesty

The address concluded with a policy announcement that is expected to shake the foundations of British fashion and constitutional law.

“Effective immediately,” the King decreed, “I am issuing a Royal Decree on Fashion and Jumpers. All staff, family members, and visiting dignitaries are hereby prohibited from wearing any item of clothing that contains a high percentage of Lycra or Mohair in the presence of the Monarch. Furthermore, all archived photographs featuring matching family tartan must be digitally enhanced to show everyone in sensible, non-offensive navy blue.”

King William V gave a small, contented nod. “There. The silence is broken. The truth is out. Now, let us move forward, free from the tyranny of the terrible, but loving, mother-induced matching twin-sets.”

The world, still reeling, knew he was right. We had all suspected. It wasn’t the paparazzi; it was the potential for the fashion crimes that lay ahead that was the real, unspoken fear. The King had finally found peace. And the nation could finally breathe a sigh of relief that they wouldn’t have to look at those family photos anymore.